How Does Onsen
by pseudocitrus
Summary: Touka is nervous. She's never been to an onsen, but Haise assures her that he'll show her the proper way to bathe beforehand.


notes:

are you tired of me writing angst yet? good, because this fic is totally ridiculous (≧▽≦

after thinking about it, i came up with an idea to match two of Touken Smut Week's prompts: "Onsen," and Crossdress." also snuck in a bit for tumblr user nonsense-shit: "How about first time trying to do the dirty in the bathroom and it just ends up with sprained muscles and foam everywhere xD"

note: "nee-chan" literally means "older sister" but there are times kids use it to refer to older people who are not related to them. just…just in case you don't know and suddenly think i'm trying to write…well…though you might still…anyway…you'll see. o/o

**FFN-specific note: **this fic is the clean version to comply with rules! if you'd like the full, please search for me (same username) on archive of our own, or tumblr. :)

let me know if you like it; enjoy~

* * *

**How Does Onsen**

They'd finally managed to reach a sort of understanding that their feelings for each other were mutual and exclusive, but hadn't gone much further than that. Between one of them working long hours chasing after ghouls, and the other working long hours staffing that understaffed cafe, their free time is rare. When their spare hours _do_ miraculously align, they're usually both too exhausted to do anything more than attempt to watch a movie and fall asleep five minutes into it.

_Not today._

Haise raps on Touka's door. When she opens it, she is — to his surprise — wearing a towel. He coughs, and rubs his noise in an attempt to cover up a blush.

"You're an hour early," she says, not sounding quite as happy as he had expected she would be.

"Yeah, I…managed to finish up a couple things before I expected. It's…it's not a problem, is it?"

She stares at him.

"I can…um…come back? If you want?"

"No," Touka says quickly. "It's fine. I just…I'm not ready yet."

_Ready for what?_ he wants to tease, but stops himself just in time. In the short time that he's known her, he's learned Touka isn't entirely receptive to teasing. Or, sadly, puns. Both usually end up with him wincing as she starts and just barely stops herself from kicking him.

So Haise waits, silently, and eventually she sighs and steps back to let him in. She holds her towel up and pinched as he takes off his shoes and coat.

"Just wait in the other room until I'm finished," she tells him. "I can — that is — I'll be ready in a bit."

"You know," Haise says, "getting ready for something and — and _doing_ something — don't need to be separate things. You know?"

She appears to consider his words.

"You said 'you know' twice," she mutters.

"Oh? Sorry."

"It's fine." She walks into the bathroom, and leaves the door open behind her.

:::

After some jostling around, Haise's clothes and Touka's towel pool onto the the tiny, tiny bathroom floor. After further jostling, they both make it into the tub, which, despite its depth, is incredibly narrow and barely affords them room to turn around without hitting each other.

"Your idea sucks," Touka wheezes as his elbow catches her in the chest.

"H-hold on — give it — give it some more time —"

She does, gamely. She gives it a couple minutes to let the shower heat up while she shrieks, unable to get past Haise's body to escape the freezing water. She gives it another couple minutes so he can lather up some shampoo, which he promptly smears into her eye. She concedes, then, to _one_ last minute, just _one_, and Haise is in such a hurry to make it worth her while that he drops the soap, and she steps on it, and she slips and screams and as she flails she hits the back of his knee, which causes him to crash on top of her and knee her in the side, with both knees.

Haise is thrown out of the bathroom, and locked out of it, with all his clothing still on the floor. He waits, naked, on her couch; and when Touka comes to meet him later, with an obvious limp, he laughs weakly.

"Okay, so — so it wasn't great. But it wasn't…_totally_ horrible?"

"I think my ankles are sprained," she growls. "My _ankles_. _Both_ of them."

"O-oh…"

"_And_" — she lifts her bangs furiously — "_and_, that shitty shampoo foam made my eye completely _red_."

Haise makes a big smile. "W-well…on the bright side, no one sees that eye anyway, right?"

Touka lets her hair fall down again and glares at him, with the usual eye. She reaches to grab the collar of his shirt and, since he is not wearing a shirt, recovers by swinging her hands onto her hips instead. Her next pronouncement is as icy as the water he unintentionally made her start her shower in.

"We are _never_ doing that again."

:::

"_What_," Touka demands, "did I _just_ say?!"

"You didn't _just_ say it," Haise argues calmly. "You said it a couple days ago."

_"__Sasaki."_

"I promise it will be different this time."

"Why? Because it's in _public_?"

She points at the _PUBLIC_ part of the _PUBLIC ONSEN_ sign that their car is parked in front of.

"Don't worry," he assures her, reaching towards the backseat and tugging a huge bag into his lap. "I've made reservations, so we'll have it all to ourselves. Public stuff," he says with a wink, "can come later," and Touka decides to not dignify that particular suggestion with a response.

Anyway, she'd been wondering about that huge bag he'd brought, and she watches curiously as he unzips it. It looks large enough to hold a dog, and in fact, the thing he pulls out of it is huge and hairy and Touka yells, "It _is_ a dog!"

"It is not," Haise says, miffed. "It's a wig."

He stuffs it over his white-black hair and Touka is simultaneously unnerved and relieved that it doesn't bark.

The next thing to come out of the bag is an impressive kit of cosmetics, and Touka watches in fascination as Haise begins applying it, eyeing himself critically in the rear view mirror. She never really understood makeup. Haise, it seems, is a pro.

"So...why...?" Touka ventures. Haise glosses his lips and puckers them in the mirror before answering.

"They won't let us bathe together unless we both look a certain way. It's unfortunate," he says, "but, this is the only onsen that the CCG has connections to. I've packed a towel for you," he continues, tossing her a small bag. "Ready to go?"

"I..." Touka hesitates. Haise pauses, and looks over at her with a faint smile.

"I'm sorry. I didn't warn you in advance because I wanted it to be a surprise. But, if you're really uncomfortable..."

"It's not that," Touka protests. "It's...it's that...I've never been to an onsen before."

Her childhood had been dangerous enough without spending time in public bathhouses chocked full of humans. What if she or Ayato had suddenly lost control of their kagune or kakugan? Then the short time they had been able to spend with their parents would have been cut even shorter.

Haise puts his hand on hers, shaking her from her memory. She glances up at him and with the makeup and the wig, his smile is more beautiful than usual.

"Don't worry. I'll teach you. Leave it to Sasako-nee-chan," he says, winking again, and Touka groans, but doesn't let go of his hand. After a brief squeeze, they let go, exit the car, and walk down to the onsen together.

:::

The lobby is empty, save for a person whose voice shakes as they greet them.

"W-welcome! You must be Y-Yonebashi Saiko?"

"Yes," Haise says, in a voice somewhat higher and politer than usual. They sign in and once they're out of earshot, Touka coughs.

"Isn't that the name of your subordinate?"

"Yeah," Haise says. "She's the only woman on the Qs Squad, so...it had to be her."

"Is she okay with that?"

"Do you mean, 'is she okay spending the weekend playing the new Planet Kerbal game that she didn't think she'd be able to get for another week'? Because the answer to that is: yes. She's okay with it."

They stroll through a large tatami room meant for lounging, and down the stairs to the changing area. It's clear that this truly is a public onsen, but for some reason it's completely deserted. Touka listens carefully but all she can hear is the splash of distant water. Is this normal?

Haise explains before she can ask.

"Just because everyone on the Qs Squad is only partially a ghoul doesn't mean people aren't afraid of us. CCG investigators often come here, but I guessed that if the place got word someone from _my_ squad was planning to come, management would make sure to empty the place out to prevent...accidents." His voice is dim. Then he shakes his head, and Touka raises her hand to shield her face from the slap of his wig's long hairs.

"Anyway," he says, more brightly, "there's nothing that can be done about it. _And_, it means we have the place to ourselves for an hour or two. So, let's make the most of it."

They take off their clothing. Haise shows her how to manipulate the lockers, though no one's around to steal anything.

"Aren't you going to take off your wig?"

"After all the trouble I went through putting it on?"

The next room is the bathing area, made up of a short wall lined with mirrors. Touka rubs the goosebumps on her arms and sits down in front of one, on a low wooden stool. She eyes the shower head looming above. Haise sits next to her.

"So all we do here," he explains, "is shower beforehand, so that the hot springs stay clean when you soak in them."

"I see," Touka says. She reaches for the shower head, but before she can get to it, Haise plucks it from its hook.

"There's a very specific way you have to do it," he says soberly. "I better show you."

"Alright," Touka says with a swallow. She waits, back straight, as Haise scoots a wooden stool over and sits behind her. His knees are bent to either side of her, and he shoots water off to the side, testing the heat of it against his palm. Touka watches him in the mirror. His expression — with faint smile and downcast eyes — is surprisingly serene. She swallows as he finally holds the shower head towards her, and uses his other hand to comb gently through her hair. The hot water streams down her shoulders and she sighs in relief as her shivers immediately quell.

"This doesn't seem so different," she notes, and Haise smiles at her in the mirror.

"Good."

Touka swallows. That wig of his, and whatever he used to color his lips...both look really good on him. She feels strangely embarrassed to have attention lavished on her by someone who is so attractive and simultaneously so familiar and so _different._ In more ways than just that wig.

Haise replaces the shower head onto its hook and pumps some shampoo into his palm, lathering it up and then working it into her hair. His nails and fingertips work in against her scalp in firm, yet calming, circles. It feels good — _really_ good — she sighs and finds herself leaning back into his touch, lazily.

"Having fun, Touka-chan?" Haise asks, in his Sasako voice.

_Touka-chan._

"Maybe," she admits, and because she's trying to keep her face straight, her voice comes out flatter than usual. She closes her eyes as he works further, and when Haise prods her to open them she finds that he's shaped rabbit ears onto her head with foam.

"Very funny."

"Very _bunny_," he says, as if correcting her. "They suit you!" But the ears are drooping, and collapse and wash away completely with a sweep of water from the shower head.

Conditioner is next, and this Haise puts on with less ceremony, and leaves in. Then he picks up a bar of soap from the little shelf in front of the mirror and indicates that she should sit straight. Once she does, he begins massaging that against both shoulders, and between, and up and down her spine.

"You want to do the rest yourself?" he asks, casually, and Touka catches his gaze in the mirror.

"Big sisters are supposed to take care of everything," she tells him, and he sighs, with fake exasperation.

"Fine, fine. Sasako-nee-chan will make sure you're all clean."

He touches her — shifts position — closes her eyes expectantly.

"Hey," he calls softly, touching her chin and guiding it back forward. "Touka-chan. You wanted me to teach you, right? Watch."

"Are you _serious_," she pants.

She thinks, _I don't care if you're back from the dead, I'm going to kill you!_

"And keep still, too, Touka-chan, remember?"

"F-fuck you!"

"You first," he says, and then seems to find this hilarious enough that he actually puts his hand over his mouth to suppress his laughter. Touka waits, watching, entranced by his delight but also feeling pretty annoyed. In this way, Haise is exactly like the Kaneki that she remembers, and soon enough he shakes his head, takes a deep breath.

"Ooohh-kay! Alright, alright, I'm okay, let's continue. This time," he decides, "I'll help you keep still," and without further ado he folds his arm over her body.

:::

Afterward, she trembles in his arms, exhausted, as he continues rinsing off the rest of her body, to relatively mundane effect. He chuckles, and Touka _knows_ that chuckle, and she musters her energy to mutter, "Don't."

"Almost put a damper in your day there, didn't I?"

_"__Haise."_

"Good thing you still got some head, right, Touka-chan? Even if it was a shower head?"

_"__Stop."_

"I can't," Haise protests, "they're just leaking out of me," and this time Touka snatches the shower head, threateningly. Haise reaches for it but Touka stands, dodging his flailing arm.

"W-wait!" Haise says, standing as well. "T-Touka-chan, not — not on my makeup —"

"Sorry, Sasako-nee-chan," Touka says, not sounding particularly sorry. She smiles. "You're all washed up."

Haise bursts into a laugh, and then a loud yell as she turns the water pressure up, and the temperature down.


End file.
